I Have No Idea!

I titled this Google doc “I have no idea”. Seems right. Maybe I need to be thinking about where I should move after college. I’m only twenty one though, freshly at that. I think I may need to start writing my personal statement tomorrow. For now, I’ll add a “grad school applications do’s and don’ts” video to my Youtube queue, filling in behind the “Pharrel Williams and Maggie Rogers meeting for the first time” video that I watch weekly. I always feel like I haven’t read enough. I scroll all day, but can’t flip more than five pages at a time, unless of course I know there’s an Instagramable quote in the next chapter. Self deprecation is safe, so is writing. The fusion of the two is the middle ground I often find myself in. Sometimes I see things more clearly in what I leave unsaid. Maybe you can too. I have no idea.

Some days, thinking about the future is paralyzing. I want to run and hide. But, I also want to run wide and far, anywhere and everywhere. Tokyo has always sounded cool. I know I love London. I would like to go back to Italy, and Greece is non negotiable. So much in so little time, does it all ever make you want to burst wide open? From thankfulness that there is so much to explore; a vastness to this life, we couldn’t possibly come to know it all. But, on the contrary, there’s also this crippling fear that I won’t ever feel satisfied by all that I’ve done and seen. What elicits a life "well lived"? Visiting five countries? Ten? Having a family? Visiting ten countries with said family? I guess the best part is that this question has a different answer to each individual you ask. I asked ChatGPT. It said that a life well lived is characterized by “the pursuit of meaningful experiences, genuine connections, and personal growth.” Sure, whatever you say. I have no idea.

I wonder if this is what Taylor was doing when she said something about being in her room, on a typical Tuesday night. I’d like to think I’m not the only one who gets plagued by the spiral of existential thoughts. Of course I’m not, don’t be narcissistic. This is what makes us girls I suppose? I have no idea. However, I just may be one of the only ones to share these thoughts online. My digital footprint was doomed the moment I uploaded my Video Star music videos to Youtube at the ripe age of eight. And then came my The 1975 phase. The downfall of it all. The demise of my online reputation. Forever linked to Matty Healy and 2013 Tumblr lore, so be it. I love my British frontman who yells at fans in autotune.

But I have been thinking about something recently. (SHOCKER!!!) I’ve spent most of my life in my own head. If you think I’m a quiet person, just know my inner monologue goes crazy. Anyways, back to me and my thoughts, I mean this is maddiemayberry.com after all. We were watching the local news and my dad asked why a video of Taylor Swift throwing a water bottle to a fan was newsworthy. **Immediate scoff** While he has a point on the surface, I feel like it goes so much deeper than that. The world will never see another Taylor Swift. She’s a global sensation, so much of that is because she knows how to verbalize universal experiences that nobody else ever dared to share. That’s why we watch her every move, we feel a sense of relation to her. We want to know how much the bill that she racked up on a girls night at The Waverly Inn was. It all matters. When someone comes along who says what they mean and means what they say with brutal honesty and passion, we pay attention. The beauty in sharing is connection. So why don’t people do more of it? I have no idea.

I guess that’s it. You’re takeaway from this point you may be wondering? Maybe the journey was more important than finding a destination? I have no idea.